I’ve been in the void for a year. If I’m honest, it’s probably been closer to a year and a half.
I am only now emerging, and this wound is starting to scar - which is why I feel right finally putting these words down.
There was the void right before my ex husband and I decided to split.
There was the void right before I moved to Miami from NYC after becoming a single mom.
There was the void in the time right before I quit my job and start my business.
On this particular occasion, this void settled squarely in my business.
It was my longest one to date.
At the same time, I have been living the most beautiful, loving, and magical time of my life in my relationship and family. I am with the man of my dreams, we moved in together with our boys, we are now engaged and planning a wedding. My decade of single motherhood has culminated in the love and family I always dreamed of.
And my business? Well, this past year has been another story.
I've been carefully documenting my lessons over this time, careful to not hold on to them too tightly. I've also had intuitive downloads of deep wisdom I know I will carry in my heart always.
And so, here are my lessons from living in the void, in no particular order:
This was a huge one for me. For the first time since I started my business in 2015, I wasn't sure what I wanted to create next, or how I would brand and market myself. I tried doing things in the old ways and it felt wrong and forced. I realized just how deeply I was being called to drop what I was "supposed" to be doing and how I was "supposed" to show up.
For so long I had held on to my clarity as a badge of honor, and I needed to drop it all.
So I didn't have a perfectly cohesive brand anymore? OK.
Could I still run this business and be there for my clients? Absolutely.
Could I take this time to manifest business in new ways, and trust the relationships I had built over the last seven years in business? Absolutely.
I realized that the foundation of I had built was strong, even if the next steps felt wobbly.
I held on to what I knew for sure, and built from there.
When you're going through a void, often there are pieces that are definitive and certain, even as basically everything else is still unclear. I have never meditated more than I have during this time. This void has been a powerful invitation to go inward, to listen to my truth, to learn to trust my path - even as I haven't always understood it or been open enough to listen to it.
One of the things I knew for sure? It was time to leave the role of CEO of the community I had founded. This was a space I gave myself to fully for almost three years. There was much grief and loss, and I knew it was right.
I felt called to rent my own office space outside my home - before I knew what the heck I would actually be doing there. There was courage and risk, and I knew it was right.
I knew I loved working with womxn and helping them see their power and know that they can create whatever they desire. Beyond that, every other piece of how it would happen felt interchangeable. Nothing was standing out.
I began to actively learn to be OK with the unknown, and slowly started coming back to me - even as I walked in the dark.
This void coincided with a move 40-minutes north of what had been my world and community for a decade. I learned quickly it was deeply purposeful. Around that time the delta variant also kicked in and I basically grabbed my chunkiest blanket and some snacks and made myself infinitely comfortable in my cave.
I left Instagram. I wasn't nearly as available to close friends. I needed to be with myself and my stillness, for months. I knew it was temporary. I felt the work happening in my bones. I needed to not be in the same spaces I used to, as I became whoever I was becoming in this new chapter. As an extroverted Libra this was one of the hardest things I've ever experienced.
I managed to surrender to it and trust the outcomes. People fell off. I lost interest in things I used to enjoy. I kept going inward. With time, everything made sense and has been purposeful.
It would be unfair and irresponsible for me to talk about the void without talking about the real darkness that comes up when you're experiencing it. In the last year and a half I have wept more times than I care to remember. I have allowed several former versions of me to die and I have grieved them.
I have stumbled when someone has asked what I do for a living, as the old words felt untrue and the new ones had not quite developed.
It has brought up shame, fear, loss, anger and frustration.
And I became very clear on who could hold this with me. I have sought out support - mental, physical, emotional and energetic from the people closest to me repeatedly over the past year and a half. In return, I have created space to be there for them in ways I had never experienced before.
This void has allowed me to boldly dive into the wells of intimacy with my people, and to know that I am loved, accepted, and welcomed even if I'm messy, confused, or sad. It has been a constant reminder that I don't need to show up perfect, polished, and rehearsed in order to deserve love, friendship or even business.
This void had allowed me to become more whole - as I now know myself capable of expanding my capacity to hold grief AND joy - at the SAME time.
During a void I highly advise that you get yourself some friends that will come by, pick you up and take you out and remind you about fun, lightness and laughter again. I am telling you, it's going have to be a priority even if it goes on the to-do list.
I also highly advise several playlists that bring you back to life, finding creative activities that ground you in the gorgeous simplicity of life (e.g., painting, cooking), and spending ample time lying on the dirt and getting as silly as possible. There may have been a 2-day marathon of Netflix's The Ultimatum there in the mix as well, followed by detailed analysis of every scene by my fiancee and I. Whatever you need to do to laugh and be light, do it.
You do not need to be in the void 24/7. It really is not a requirement to move through it.
Even as I have been going through this, I thankfully never doubted that I am really, really fckn good at what I do, and that I am a badass. It took me years to have this kind of confidence and trust in my abilities and I'm grateful this void found me with those parts of me quite solid and whole.
I have dropped in and been present with my clients at levels I never have before.
I've also become more comfortable being fully and authentically me - that includes sharing pieces of this transition - including with my clients. My Spring 2022 Masterminders have lived this with me most closely, and I've been sharing here what it has been like to experience this as the host of the spaces we commit to. I've done my best to be in integrity everywhere I show up, even as I was moving into understanding what alignment even meant to me on any particular moment.
I had to come to terms with the fact that this void did not define me, nor could it touch the magic I know I have with my clients and community. I learned that showing up vulnerably and honestly here would only deepen the trust and transformation that took place in those spaces. The proof was right there before my eyes. I saw it happen every day.
The other day I got an intuitive download that was so clear it gave me chills: "You had to go through this void in this way, so that you would be able to help others who are feeling stuck and lost."
I know that there were positions I held and ego identities I was attached to that needed to be shed for me to be able to step into this next chapter.
The work has been happening within me. Some days that was clearer than others. By the work, I mean the support from my guides and ancestors, alongside my friends and loved-ones earth-side. As I walk with a blindfold on, they are holding my hands - while I learn to surrender and trust what is mine cannot miss me, and that this is all absolutely purposeful.
Ultimately for me, so much of this experience has been a lesson in control. I know it and I have known it. This is one of the greatest things I have come to learn in this lifetime: That I can surrender, lean back, and trust that everything is going to be OK. That I don't need to control where this path goes and how fast. In fact, releasing that control is the whole point, it is what allows clarity to shine through.
As a coach, you are often expected to have things fully "together" and "clear". I know that's not the full picture and I am learning to show up fully and honestly for myself and my people.
And I am finally emerging and walking towards that light that I can see so clearly now.
As for what is the end of the tunnel?
I'm feeling deeply called to help womxn strengthen their spirit so they can embrace their purpose with clarity, joy, and ease. I'll be sharing more on this soon.
For now, I hope these words land on your heart with soft and gentle comfort.
Voids suck. They are not forever. You are not alone. Get some help and soothe your spirit. You will move through this.